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| Name | G | AB | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | TB | BB | K | SB | CS | AVG | OBP | SLG | OPS | WAR |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Handel Aldi's Nuts 3B | 14 | 66 | 6 | 18 | 2 | 0 | 3 | 10 | 29 | 1 | 12 | 0 | 0 | .273 | .284 | .439 | .723 | 0.4 |
| Bobs Bigboy 1B | 14 | 58 | 10 | 16 | 2 | 0 | 5 | 8 | 33 | 2 | 8 | 0 | 0 | .276 | .311 | .569 | .880 | 0.3 |
| Vumion Stitcherson 2B | 14 | 58 | 3 | 14 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 4 | 20 | 2 | 8 | 0 | 0 | .241 | .262 | .345 | .607 | 0.1 |
| Swiffer Sweeper RF | 14 | 58 | 6 | 13 | 4 | 0 | 3 | 5 | 26 | 1 | 8 | 0 | 0 | .224 | .250 | .448 | .698 | 0.0 |
| Calvin O'Shanassy LF | 14 | 53 | 7 | 17 | 1 | 0 | 3 | 10 | 27 | 3 | 5 | 0 | 0 | .321 | .368 | .509 | .878 | 0.4 |
| Thomas Sankara SS | 14 | 52 | 3 | 10 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 3 | 13 | 2 | 4 | 0 | 0 | .192 | .218 | .250 | .468 | 0.1 |
| Career Minor Leaguer CF | 14 | 45 | 10 | 15 | 4 | 0 | 0 | 4 | 19 | 9 | 7 | 4 | 2 | .333 | .436 | .422 | .859 | 0.6 |
| Srevor Tory DH | 11 | 38 | 5 | 12 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 14 | 2 | 8 | 0 | 0 | .316 | .350 | .368 | .718 | -0.1 |
| Jerry Coleman C | 10 | 25 | 3 | 8 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 4 | 12 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | .320 | .320 | .480 | .800 | 0.3 |
| Sack Boy C | 7 | 20 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 3 | 6 | 5 | 7 | 0 | 0 | .200 | .360 | .300 | .660 | 0.1 |
| T.J Money DH | 5 | 17 | 5 | 4 | 1 | 0 | 2 | 6 | 11 | 2 | 5 | 0 | 0 | .235 | .300 | .647 | .947 | 0.1 |
