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| Name | G | AB | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | TB | BB | K | SB | CS | AVG | OBP | SLG | OPS | WAR |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Vumion Stitcherson 2B | 108 | 491 | 82 | 146 | 11 | 2 | 17 | 64 | 212 | 39 | 67 | 1 | 0 | .297 | .349 | .432 | .781 | 3.2 |
| Bobs Bigboy 1B | 108 | 468 | 83 | 154 | 16 | 1 | 33 | 88 | 271 | 34 | 53 | 0 | 0 | .329 | .375 | .579 | .955 | 4.3 |
| Handel Aldi's Nuts 3B | 108 | 454 | 66 | 139 | 10 | 1 | 19 | 63 | 208 | 33 | 56 | 0 | 1 | .306 | .354 | .458 | .813 | 3.9 |
| Srevor Tory DH | 108 | 448 | 64 | 131 | 12 | 0 | 22 | 86 | 209 | 41 | 61 | 0 | 1 | .292 | .347 | .467 | .814 | 1.3 |
| Jared Keeso RF | 108 | 443 | 65 | 127 | 20 | 0 | 22 | 73 | 213 | 61 | 54 | 0 | 0 | .287 | .376 | .481 | .857 | 2.8 |
| Thomas Sankara SS | 108 | 440 | 59 | 133 | 16 | 0 | 8 | 54 | 173 | 36 | 56 | 0 | 0 | .302 | .352 | .393 | .745 | 4.5 |
| Career Minor Leaguer CF | 108 | 418 | 50 | 111 | 13 | 2 | 0 | 36 | 128 | 32 | 74 | 22 | 5 | .266 | .319 | .306 | .626 | -0.8 |
| Jerry Coleman C | 108 | 392 | 49 | 90 | 17 | 0 | 5 | 41 | 122 | 29 | 71 | 0 | 0 | .230 | .281 | .311 | .592 | -0.0 |
| Calvin O'Shanassy LF | 72 | 271 | 26 | 77 | 4 | 1 | 2 | 29 | 89 | 22 | 42 | 0 | 0 | .284 | .337 | .328 | .665 | -0.4 |
| Ulysses Ballion II LF | 36 | 90 | 26 | 26 | 0 | 0 | 4 | 11 | 38 | 8 | 18 | 6 | 0 | .289 | .350 | .422 | .772 | 0.2 |
| Swiffer Sweeper 2B | 19 | 79 | 10 | 25 | 2 | 0 | 4 | 16 | 39 | 2 | 12 | 0 | 0 | .316 | .329 | .494 | .823 | 0.4 |
| Gary the Giraffe SS | 30 | 17 | 2 | 4 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 3 | 7 | 2 | 5 | 0 | 0 | .235 | .316 | .412 | .728 | 0.0 |
| Tony Soprano LF | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .000 | .000 | .000 | .000 | 0.0 |
